As life unfolds and the years pass, we often gain a sharper perspective, like adjusting a camera lens or peering through a magnifying glass. Amid the chaos, some things just start to make sense.
- When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
- To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
- When I say, “The other day” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
- The interviewer says “Tell me about yourself.” Your response: “I would rather not because I want this job.”
- I remember when I could get up without making sound effects.
- If you are sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
- When someone asks me what am I doing today and I say “nothing,” it doesn’t mean I am free. It just means I am doing nothing.
- Age 60 might be the new 40, but then that means 9:00 is the new midnight.
- When you do squats are your knees suppose to sound like a goat chewing an aluminum can stuffed with celery.
- When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
- It’s the start of a brand new day and I am off like a herd of turtles.
- Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Just spend 30 seconds in my head and that will freak you out.
- The older I get, the later it gets.
- My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.